Fun Fact: I am a beach baby.
My childhood is riddled with seaside problems only kids who grew up in the sand will understand. A collegiate attempt to “diversify my surroundings” began with confusion on the definition of “winter coat” and ended with a one-word descriptor for my entire college career on a mountain: “cold.”
Post-grad, I have finally come to my senses and kissed land-locked problems goodbye; because nothing says home like an all-consuming breath of salty air.
I say all this to combat any misconstrued interpretations of the following list. At our core, Cobblestone Diaries ladies are not a condescending bunch. But, there are exactly two things I am unapologetically a snob about: seafood and beach etiquette. My defense? You are the expert on your childhood.
7 PEOPLE WHO NEED TO RETHINK THE WAY THEY DO THE BEACH
Did you think this was a baseball game? Do not be fooled by our boiled peanuts, the beach does not have assigned seating. Since you are not required to sit directly in front of me, please don’t. When the tide comes up, you will soon realize we are perfectly positioned just above the highest point of the tide, which means you will have to move and I will not. Let’s just avoid this interaction entirely.
Pregnant Women in Bikinis
Cute maternity sundresses? Glowing. I am now a direct witness to the harsh repercussions of growing a child inside of you? Not so glowing. Your husband (and maybe your parents) are the only people who think that is beautiful. It’s only 9 months, please invest in a tankini.
See that cute little boy who just rode his first wave on a boogie board? Yeah, so did the hungry sharks you have been chumming the water for the past three hours. We love shark fishing as much as the next Shark Week enthusiast, but please do it appropriately so we are not The Discovery Channel’s next leading story.
Petting Zoo Enthusiasts
Sea gulls are not a rare, exotic bird. They fly. They eat garbage. They make awful sounds. Do not teach your children to hold a Cheetoh in the air to see if they will come. There is only one end to this experiment. They will flock, and everyone around you is suddenly forced into a “duck, but don’t look up” game. Congratulations on your new title as the most hated family on the beach.
Windy Day Novices
Umbrellas are genius. They make the beach feel festive and protect responsible people from harmful UV rays. They can also be very dangerous. Windy days have a way of turning this useful beach accessory into a deadly weapon. Do not set up your umbrella on a day that your towel will not stay on the sand. I would prefer not to dodge a flying parasol and its corresponding metallic stake.
The ocean is grand. Taking your children on their first trip to the beach is one of the most beautiful experiences a family can share. But like anything magnificent, the ocean should be respected. That means watching your child at all times, teaching them to get out of the water when the current is too strong and making sure they know how to find their way back to your set up. You wouldn’t let your child cross King Street at rush hour without you, treat this experience the same way.
There is sand on my towel. I am leaving and don’t want it in my car. There are 5 girls down wind from where I am. I should walk further inland so they are not in direct line of fire and taking sand to the face. Enough said.